Today’s theme: “IDENTITY”

Dedicated to Big Money #94 Gerard Warren

Letters Department

Dear Gerard Warren

Don’t take any shit from Tommy TJ Jackson.

PS I love you

PPS please kill mark brunell

Love

Pete

Dear Veb

U tyoed tgus ketter wutgiyt kiijubg at the cionoeter tgher are a lot of tyopos, u an lklooking at you right now. I really like the clash. Greg Olson was the catcher that dan gladden ran into. Two gees not three

Dear (Ben)

[I typed this letter without looking] at the [computer.] [There] are a lot of [typos. I am] looking at you right now. I really like the [Clash]. Greg Olson was the catcher that [Dan] [Gladden] ran into. Two gees[,] not three.

“Early detection of PVD is essential. If the arteries in your legs are clogged, other arteries are likely clogged, too,” says Dr. Peter T. Beatty, national chairman of Legs for Life.

First off, I am not a doctor.

“Diabetics, smokers and people with high blood pressure or high cholesterol levels are at increased risk,” Beatty says.

OK, one, my grandpa has diabetes and I don’t appreciate you threatening him. Second of all, I used to smoke, so don’t threaten me either. I am not afraid to fight you, even though I created you in a test tube.

Beatty hopes with enough public education aimed at patients and doctors, more people will be diagnosed early when there is the best chance of improving both the quality and length of their life.

“There are 100,000 [leg and foot] amputations done in the United States each year for peripheral vascular disease,” he says. “While people may be most worried about having a heart attack or a stroke, losing a leg or having a gangrenous foot isn’t much fun either.”

OK, I never said that. Maybe there wouldn’t be so many amputations if there weren’t so many doctors, DOCTOR Beatty? What do you have to say for yourself? And I bet there are a lot of people who had heart attacks and strokes who probably don’t appreciate you shitting on their sad stories. I guess they can’t really do anything about that because they’re all sick and shit fukcing asshole doctor think your so smart (Things got a little unpleasant there. Since the CENSORED muzzled me last week, might as well stick with what works)

Either someone stole my identity and is now posing as an interventional radiologist a la Spies Like Us, or this guy has the same name as me. Funny. He even has the same middle initial. Now, the proper response to all this is to throw your hands up in the air and say quote fuck it endquote and eat some candy, to cadge a bit from David Sedaris’ brother, which is to say, the writings of David Sedaris aren’t as good as you personally consider them to be, unless you’re some kind of asshole who doesn’t like David Sedaris. Yeeee!

Eric Wedge versus Chris Widger.

Selected factoids (not explained)

(with commentary).

Wedge: Fort Wayne, IN (not the best place in the world, but definitely the best place that happens to be the second largest city in Indiana)

Widger: Wilmington, DE (also not the best place in the world, but definitely the largest city in Delaware, which is to say, ontologically, exactly as important as the second largest city in Indiana, which is to say, actually the same place as Fort Wayne, Indiana)

Wedge: 34, Widger: 31

Wedge: Wedge, Widger: Widger

Wedge: 6’3″, Widger: 6’2 5/8″

Wedge: 215 lbs, Widger: 215 lbs

Wedge: 39, Widger: 488

Wedge: 5, Widger: 50

39 / 5 = 7.8, 488 / 50 = 9.76

I’ll stop wasting space and just say that the similarities between Mr. Eric Wedge, former big league backstop and future padron de los Indios de la Tierra de Cleve. Fuck. I got caught up butchering Spanish. Let me try that again: Eric Wedge, retired catcher, is actually the same person (or somebody got cloned [probably Widger, he’s “younger”] at some point) as Chris Widger, non-retired catcher. You, for one, have never seen them together. What gave it away? Their last names. Start with “Widger.” Subtract the “r,” which stands for REPLICANT or REPEAT (of Wedge) and you have “Widge.” Then change the “i” in “Widge,” which stands for IDENTICAL COPY, to an “e” which stands for EUKARYOTIC. Because Eric Wedge clearly has a distinct nucleus.

Contest #2: See if you can guess what the factoids are. Also, none of you designed flags. For shame.

Anyway, the point of today’s column, if we can call it a point, and if we can call this a column, and if you’re still reading, is that names, and the whole concept of IDENTITY, is wacky. There’s apparently a doctor out there with the exact same name as me. I am not a doctor. But this guy still has my name. Second: Eric Wedge and Chris Widger have very similar names. They also have very similar lives. Maybe two out of every 4 million people get to be catchers in the big leagues, yet two guys named Wedge and Widger both got to be catchers? This is dumb. This whole article. I was going to write all about identity and the peccadilloes it brings to the dinner table of life. Instead I wound up using words like “wacky” and “shit.” I used “shit” six times in this article, counting this sentence. Admittedly, two of those “shits” (seven) were crossed out. So maybe I win after all. This is the end of Dear Diary