Friday
Nip/Tuck sizzled all summer long, filling my evenings with breasts, drugs, cars, divorce, and self-circumcision. Well, just the nights I couldn’t fill myself. This Miami-set series is incredibly inconsistent; some episodes rock you with drama, love, guilt, and plastic surgery, and other episodes just sort of poke your shoulder for an hour, making you wonder why you ever bothered with these assholes. Tonight’s episode seems promising. Drug lords continue to threaten the McNamara/Troy practice, and Sean has to keep up with the heroin-in-breast-implant action. Crazy lady Gina is worried about Christian’s parenting skizill—uh, he’s a drug-abusing, womanizing, sex addict, so my money’s on “not a good dad”—and Matt continues to weird me out.
FX, 11 p.m.
Saturday
Have you ever watched basketball and wished it were more ridiculous? More filled with trampolines, perhaps? Slamball makes this wish a reality—the surface inside the three-point line is pure bounce action. The rest of the court appears to be low-grade plywood. Tonight, the Riders take on the Bouncers in an unusually sexual match-up. Boing.
Spike TV, 8 p.m.
Sunday
Sundays are all about nursing hangovers and lying around. Nothing accompanies snuggle time better than drum and bugle corps. The 2003 Drum Corps International World Championship pits kids-—in absurd outfits—from all over the country against each other. And when drum and bugle corps compete, you don’t even want to know what kind of crazy shit goes down.
PBS, 3 p.m.
Monday
TLC’s Resident Life completely eliminated any lingering desire I might have had to go to medical school. The show tails several residents and fellows at Vanderbilt University Medical Center as they groggily stumble through their 80-hour workweeks. Most of the time it seems like they know what they’re doing. Tonight, wonder duo Victor and Pilar celebrate their wedding anniversary with a scavenger hunt around Nashville. Ah, nerd romance. Also included: “an emotional liver transplant.”
TLC, 8 p.m. (rerun at 11 p.m.)
Tuesday
You shouldn’t need to be told to watch 24. The most creative and exciting show to hit the airwaves in the last few years kicks off its third season tonight in an hour of gloriously commercial-free drama. “1 p.m.-2 p.m.” picks up three years after last season’s finale, and my Spidey Sense is telling me that Keifer Sutherland will be moodier and more brooding than ever. Let the bio-warfare begin.
FOX, 8 p.m.
Get your Louis Vuitton bags ready, kids: tonight is the premier of Rich Girls. Ally Hilfiger and Jaime Gleicher sport some ridiculous bling on MTV’s latest surreal reality show (see also: The Osbournes, Newlyweds: Nick & Jessica). Follow the two 18-year-olds as they get ready for prom and eclipse Nicky and Paris Hilton as the most talked about walking trust funds on the planet. “Cargo pants: my dad invented them,” quips Ally on tonight’s episode. This show is going to kick so much ass.
MTV, 9:30 p.m.
Wednesday
The TV gods have smiled on us, friends. A broad, glowing grin is shining down upon the airwaves tonight, as The O.C. returns to new programming. Get ready for the fallout from Marissa’s OD, the guilt and drama from the smoochy-parent action between Kirsten and Jimmy, and the impending romance between Summer and Seth. Seth, drop that bitch and marry me instead. If you didn’t watch The O.C. this summer, get your TV-ass in gear and fall in love with these lusty beach bums. California, California, here we come.
FOX, 8 p.m.
Thursday
February, 1992 was a strange time; fourth grade was surprisingly challenging. Wax nostalgic for your elementary school days with back-to-back episodes of Growing Pains. Tonight, Ben takes up karate and Mike worries about a bad influence on Luke. Man, Leonardo DiCaprio was such a wiener.
Family Channel, 11 p.m.
