The University of Chicago’s Independent Student Newspaper since 1892

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The University of Chicago’s Independent Student Newspaper since 1892

Chicago Maroon

The University of Chicago’s Independent Student Newspaper since 1892

Chicago Maroon

Aaron Bros Sidebar

Vignettes and Hyperlinks: Your guide to Thanksgiving in Hyde Park

If you couldn’t go home for the long weekend, here’s how to spend Turkey Day instead.

8:00 a.m. Alarm goes off. Press snooze.

8:10 See above.

8:20 See above.

8:30 See above.

8:40 Why did you set your alarm for eight again? Why did you have those misguided notions of “getting shit done” and “getting ahead on work since you’re here alone anyway”? Who do you think you are?

10:15 Wake up for reals this time.

10:50 Get out of bed.

10:51 Get back in bed.

11:00 Get out of bed, and stay there, determined to do something with your life.

11:01 Proceed to stand around for about four minutes trying to remember exactly what that thing was.

11:05 Put on pants.

11:07 Take off pants, remembering that you need to shower. It’s been a while.

11:08 Ah, fuck it. Put ’em back on.

11:15 Finish getting ready to go to the dining hall. Promptly realize that Bartlett’s closed. Do I want to walk all the way to South? Well they’re having that feast thing and I wouldn’t be able to get my normal helping of biscuits and “Can Totally Believe They’re Not Eggs” anyway, so…

11:20 Decide that maybe there’s something in the house kitchen. Wander into the house lounge, walk past those three kids who are always in there. Open the fridge. Find two big aluminum trays filled with…what is that? Is it…fried bread? No, no, it’s some kind of meat. Pork? How long has this been in here? I guess if I just microwave it and am auspiciously generous with this ranch dressing it will taste fresh. After all, it’s Thanksgiving! What better time to be generous? To…myself. This is not sounding right.

11:21 Oh, there’s whipped cream in here too! Sick!

11:22 Do whipped cream shot.

11:23 Regret it.

12:00 After returning to your room to feast and then sit on your bed staring at the wall, gain a newfound determination to get started on your work. Then recognize that a prerequisite for acting upon this determination is having the motivation to get up from your bed and walk to your desk. Shit. Foiled again.

12:05 But wait, I can do this. I go to UChicago, right? Yeah, I’m good at studying. I’m motivated, I’m organized, I’m a homework-doing machine! I eat P-sets for breakfast! Well, and whatever that other thing was. Maybe that was lunch, actually. But yeah, I’m gonna do this! I’m gonna sit down, open my computer, and bust out this paper! Or at least a rough draft! Or maybe just an outline! Right after I

12:06 Get on Facebook. And Twitter. And Instagram. And Yahoo News. And YouTube. Man, I always forget how awesome YouTube is. Look at all these Friends bloopers!

2:00 Wait, why am I still on YouTube? I mean, if I’m gonna do this, I might as well upgrade to Netflix and actually watch Friends. That sounds nice. But there’s something missing, something….

2:01 ICE CREAM! I need ice cream. Lactose intolerance be damned, can’t have a Friends marathon without ice cream! But then I’d have to walk all the way to CVS. Ugh. Whatever, we’re out of T.P. anyway.

2:20 After a terrifying journey through the South Side safari, arrive at Kimbark Plaza and immediately smell the beautiful aroma of fried chicken and laundry. Wait, it’s Thanksgiving. Harold’s isn’t even open. How do they…how can…? There’s some serious voodoo there. Anyway, stay focused, ICE CREAM.

2:25 Stand in front of the ice cream freezer in CVS, trying to decide which kind you want.

2:30 Why doesn’t Häagen-Dazs come in half-gallons?

2:35 Okay man, it’s time to make a decision here. According to this arbitrary timeline, you’ve been in front of the ice cream freezer for ten irretrievable minutes now. Get it togeth—Oooh, this voluptuous tub of Drumstick ice cream looks good….

3:00 Prepare to settle in for some Friends. Not the real kind obviously. Open your half-gallon, look around for your bowl. Dammit, it’s dirty. And there’s no dish soap, because you live in a dorm. Oh, and shucky-darn, the hand soap’s all gone too. What am I gonna do?

3:02 Do you think you can wash dishes with body wash?

3:08 Wait, I could’ve just gone to the kitchen, they have dish soap there. Stupid, stupid, stupid. Oh well, this only tastes a little bit like Febreze.

3:10 Netflix finally finishes loading. Ugh, UChicago internet. Maybe I should try the secure network. Hmmm…whatever, I’m already here. Just type Friends into this search bar….


3:45 Finally come down from the past half hour of hysteria. Meditate.

9:12 Wake up, disoriented, sure of only the fact that you have an ice cream hangover, and nothing else. You must’ve fallen asleep while you were meditating. For five hours. How does that happen? Must’ve been all the—uh-oh. Ice cream. It’s really getting ready to come through. Uh-oh.

9:16 Whyyyyyyyyyyyyy?

9:20 Well at least you have the YouTube app on your phone. This day’s looking up! Wait till you get off this toilet.

9:23 All right, all done, ready to go back out and face the world! Just have to….

9:24 Son of a bitch. You forgot to buy the toilet paper.

Happy Thanksgiving, y’all.

Liam Leddy is the blogger behind Vignettes and Hyperlinks. He is a second-year in the college majoring in economics.

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