Lila,

I have a dire situation I need you to help me work through. I am unsure of how to comprehend the recent realities confronting me, particularly with regard to the current sociopolitical climate. I am having too much trouble rectifying the words spoken by some of my liberal friends and the various pieces of information I accumulate in this urban, urbane existence.

Specifically, we are seeing the reelection of Bush, and a 51 percent mandate for his policies to boot. Now I feel all is lost, as we are seeing a net increase in jobs across the last few quarters. Economic revitalization across all sectors, the highest home ownership levels in history, and a consistently strong and growing GNP/GDP all point towards a reality that the liberals want us to ignore.

I mean, have we not been led to believe that the world is to be ending soon? Are all my extremely liberal friends lying to me, because I am confused by the fact that the sky isn’t falling…why are we now prospering?

Is it so unlikely that the great unwashed masses (those who are “red state dwellers,” vote based on faith and enjoy their NASCAR) are capable of voting correctly?

As a person who calls himself moderate, Lila, I can’t help but think that your indictment of Bush voters may be unfair. Read Phoebe Maltz, and you’ll see just how the rest of America (apparently, the ones who managed to get their vote out better) views the elitist left messages you seek to espouse through your little “advice” column.

It is your mindset (the one that says that “there is no possible way that any intelligent person could have any different view from me and still be intelligent”) that turned many of the potential votes for Kerry into definite votes for Bush.

We see how Bush won the Red States by appealing to their humanity and individuality, and—how dare he?!!—their commonalities as Christians (wasn’t this nation taken the first time by Christians who eventually wrote our founding papers?) This, as opposed to Kerry (Rich Preppy Nor’easter-Ketchup anyone?) who calls for throwing money at perceived problems.

So don’t be too mad. Now the Dems and Liberals can feel better in a few decades if, as you all hope so strongly, Bush ruins our world. You guys can stage your comeback. After all, the Depression was the best thing that has ever happened to the Democrats.

Yeah, and Canada jokes? Come on. Canada’s weak. Our GDP grew at 3.7 percent in ’04. Canada’s stuck on 2.8 or something. And you can’t get a gun anywhere. Actually, move to Canada—the U.S. and the world may be better off. Wait, wait, stay for a while, or come back when things get bad up North…we “conservative,” “libertarian,” “objectivist,” and moderate thinkers want you to shoot yourself with a Republican gun.

Sincerely,

Young Observer of Crazy Unbridled New Thoughts

Dear Y.O.O.C.U.N.T,

As you have no doubt noticed, this question has been edited down slightly. This is due to length constraints, not content. Lila Pearl had a bit of a time sifting a question out of your rant, but she did her best. You want to know why you are the only one around who can see clearly that Bush and the Republicans are good for this country, while your liberal friends continue to delude themselves.

LP won’t quibble numbers with you (though she demurely suggests you check your facts with someone slightly less…biased than Rush Limbaugh). She does wonder how you can write about the grand state of our union without mentioning the dead in Iraq—past, present, future; American and Iraqi—dying for unclear reasons in an un-winnable war. Talk about difficulty confronting realities: over a 1,000 dead for weapons of mass destruction that didn’t exist.

LP would never suggest that intelligence is what divides this country. The trouble with Voldemort isn’t that he’s stupid. Bush might win people over through his cowboy, straight-shooter trailer-park Down South vibe, but Bush went to Andover and Yale (never mind his rather direct linkage to another American President). His “stupidity” is a damn smart political strategy, but posturing is just that—posturing—as much a myth as Kerry’s flip-flop. Stripping moral integrity from the Democratic Party isn’t a particularly Christian action, nor is valuing the life of a three-month fetus over that of a 21-year-old soldier. Fear divides the country and neither candidate has God’s will behind him.

LP doesn’t expect you to sit cross-legged for a conciliatory (and compassionate) chorus of “Kumbaya.” Besides, the myth of the bleeding-heart liberal has almost bled its last—it’s the right-wingers with bleeding, humanitarian, church-going hearts now (and may you have better luck with them than we did). But as she sits in Bonjour Bakery, sniffling into her triple cappy with skim milk and extra foam, she can’t help thinking: Dude, you won. What are you so mad about?

This is, after all, an etiquette column, so here are a few suggestions for you. A gentleman never throws sand in his opponent’s face after the duel has been won. Your rage is misdirected and uncouth. If you need to “rectify” your liberal friends and their liberal delusions, go ahead, but don’t expect the rectification to endear you to them, and don’t hold your breath while waiting for their illusions to be swept away. Much easier to watch Fox News and not return their phone calls.

Real conversation is always worthwhile, but as far as Lila Pearl can tell, you’re not ready. Ever wonder why your liberal friends are so bent on maintaining their illusions? Why not ask them? LP bets the conversation would go something like this:

You: “Why do you ignore our country’s increase in employment rates and home ownership? Why do you insist on living in a world of Northern elitist illusion?”

Friend: “It’s not an illusion.”

Rather difficult to carry on the conversation from there. Ask different questions and you’ll get different answers.

Still looking to rectify? Try sodomy. Still legal in all 50 states, though probably not for long.

Anally yours,

Lila Pearl

P.S. Just so there’s no further confusion, although Lila Pearl did sign “Anally yours” this does not, in any way, express any ownership or claim on your part to her nether regions. Harassment is still illegal (though probably not for long) but until then she will call 911.