The University of Chicago’s Independent Student Newspaper since 1892

Chicago Maroon

The University of Chicago’s Independent Student Newspaper since 1892

Chicago Maroon

The University of Chicago’s Independent Student Newspaper since 1892

Chicago Maroon

Dear Diary

Axes to grind (1, 2, 3, 4)

What is the significance of L.A.K.E.S.(1)?

Read before even attempting to touch my shit:,6277,90798,00.html


U.S. Rep. Fred Upton, the St. Joseph Republican, whose Michigan district runs along the shoreline of a real Great Lake, calls the designation “crazy” and also “sneaky.”(2)

dramatis personae

(something I’ve been working on)

Lake Superior: king of all the lakes (superior means “kingly”)

Lake Huron: The mayor of lake town, q.e.d.

Lake Michigan: The railroad tycoon of the lakes?

Lake Erie: the young Turk of lakes? A lake-about-town, then.

Lake Ontario: Secretary of the lake’s dinner and pinochle club.

Quoth Oggsferd Binglish Fryberries:

Lake n. 1. a. A large body of water entirely surrounded by land; properly, one sufficiently large to form a geographical feature, but in recent use often applied to an ornamental water in a park, etc.

Great adj. II. Having a high position in a scale of measurement, or quantitative estimation. (Opposed to small, little.)

With words like as, so, how, the adj., like some other adjs. and advs. of cognate meaning (cf. FAR adv. 6), admits of being used in a weakened sense, expressing size or quantity in the abstract. Thus ‘as great as’ may mean merely ‘equal in size or amount to’, without any implication that the things compared are ‘great’. See also GREATER.

Surface Areas (in square miles)

Selected Lakes, 1981-Present

(with commentary)

Superior 31,820 (depending on your feelings on the Caspian sea, the greatest lake)

Huron 23,010 (also terribly large)

Michigan 22,400 (not really any smaller)

Erie 9,930 (still very big. Clearly has snakes in it)

Ontario 7,520 (can’t see across it, because it’s fucking huge AND filled with snakes)

Great Salt Lake 1,400 (notably bigger than proposed GLs 6 & 7. very popular with snakes.)

Champlain 435 (very small. Rumored to have snakes)

St. Clair 430 (even smaller. Also, no snakes)

Coe Lake 1.3 miles (average depth: two feet. Are there snakes? you bet your ass.)

The proof

A. Ontario is the smallest in surface area of the Great Lakes.

B. Lakes Champlain and St. Clair are both at least 7,000 square miles smaller than Lake Ontario.

C. A and B being true, A + B = C. Lakes Champlain y St. Clair are not Great.

Where’s the axe?

1. Where is it implied that Great Lakes have freshwater in them?

2. Who crapped the bed on the lake issue?

If we need more Great Lakes (a need you certainly haven’t demonstrated) let’s give it to The Great Salt Lake. Failing that, I think the Caspian Sea, which we might call Lake Caspian Sea for the purposes of some shit, is the Lake equivalent of curveball specialist Steve Jackson.

Serious Inquiry

No, seriously, I want to know what the deal is with CENSORED because: that’s the easy way out. I want to use Dear Diary as a forum for levelheaded, rational discussion of hotbuttonissues at the forefront of the collective DELETED consciousness, and I want to do it in a fashion such that Everybody can participate, which is to say, CENSORED CENSORED (all kinds) and childish name callers are specifically, particularly welcome. I should bookend all of this by saying I am not at all serious and don’t care about 1. politics 2. your politics 3. you in any way at all. Also, I mean it this time.



I don’t like him, despite well-informed argumentations to the contrary. Which is to say I can’t articulate why I don’t like him. K.R.O.D. joins the following list of pitchers whom I do not like for reasons unclear to me (along with a few possible reasons?):

Troy Percival (stupid name(s)? Middle name [Eugene] is better than first name [troy]? Has three first names? Troy [city of olden times], Eugene [city in Oregon], Percival [city in Iowa]?)

Gregg Swindell (too fat? wrong spelling of Greg?)

Mike Fetters (too Fetters? last name can be used as verb?)

Shigetosi Hasegawa (letters of name can be rearranged to spell Gosh Shit Shah IA E-wage [Iowa Electronic Wage]?)

Brian Lawrence (From Colorado?)

Jim Kaat (does not need to be 6’4″?)

Addie Joss (failure to have normal name?)

Mordecai Brown? (failure to have normal amount of fingers?)

You were right about Steve Karsay being a sexpot?

Design a flag!

1. I put periods between the letters.



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