The University of Chicago’s Independent Student Newspaper since 1892

Chicago Maroon

The University of Chicago’s Independent Student Newspaper since 1892

Chicago Maroon

The University of Chicago’s Independent Student Newspaper since 1892

Chicago Maroon

Toxic Jock Syndrome

The New York Times

The New York Times ran a piece on the behavioral effects of guzzling energy drinks today, and the findings are somewhat startling – but also full of potential for Hyde Park.

In March, The Journal of American College Health published a report on the link between energy drinks, athletics and risky behavior. The study’s author, Kathleen Miller, an addiction researcher at the University of Buffalo, says it suggests that high consumption of energy drinks is associated with “toxic jock” behavior, a constellation of risky and aggressive behaviors including unprotected sex, substance abuse and violence. The finding doesn’t mean the drinks cause bad behavior. But the data suggest that regular consumption of energy drinks may be a red flag for parents that their children are more likely to take risks with their health and safety. “It appears the kids who are heavily into drinking energy drinks are more likely to be the ones who are inclined toward taking risks,” Dr. Miller said.

Think of how President Zimmer could use this information! Ignoring all this jibber-jabber about crime, health, and safety, risks are precisely what the bullhorn-equipped, uncompromising activist pea-brains of Hyde Park need to get things moving. This could be the end of the Hyde Park development stalemate: Fifteen Red Bulls from now, goons from Hyde Park Progress and the Hyde Park Historical Society alike could be sipping tea together in a suite in the Doctors Hospital Inn as they contemplate a picnic at the newly restored Point before catching an inaugural flick at Zimmer Cinemas up on 53rd. Or they could, you know, just start having unprotected sex with each other. Either way.

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