*Friday*

I can’t even count the number of times I’ve wondered what the Frank Zappa song “St. Alphonso’s Pancake Breakfast” is about. Wait, I kind of can, and that number is zero. But I’m still all jazzed up for this week’s episode of Dweezil & Lisa. Tonight, Dweezil (do I need to add Zappa? To distinguish him from other Dweezils?) and Lisa Loeb hit the road on a wild pancake extravaganza to explain the song and indulge in the Zappa family tradition of pancakes for dinner. Pancakes obviously rock, and (let’s be honest) no one rocks harder than Lisa Loeb, so this seems like a match made in breakfast-for-dinner heaven. Dweezil and Lisa aren’t quite as irritating as you’d expect, and The Food Network posts all the shows’ recipes online, which is a nice little perk. Pass the syrup, hold the nepotism, please.

The Food Network, 10 P.M.

*Saturday*

TV coverage of the Winter X Games kicks off today. Rock! I love the X Games. This is the last bastion of good sportsmanship—unlike the Ross Rebagliati weed scandal from The Nagano, so-called extreme sports are pretty much free of steroids, cheating, spousal abuse, and coach-choking. Live from Aspen, you can catch the women’s x skiing finals and consolation round, and my favorite event: moto x best trick. Yeah, it’s just the prelims, but moto x is so freakin’ awesome. You can catch the moto x finals tomorrow, but the prelim round holds its own in terms of sheer excitement. Keep an eye on Kenny Bartram, arguably the best freestyle rider in the mix today. Another fun thing to do with moto x? Count the number of teeth per participant.

ABC, 12 P.M.

*Sunday*

Last week I wasted 95 minutes of my life on the series premiere of The L Word. This week, the episode is a paltry 45 minutes, so I won’t feel so bad for neglecting my schoolwork in favor of classy lesbian porn. I mean drama. Lesbian drama. The plotlines are predictable—lesbian couple seeks sperm donor; bookish neighbor girl is intrigued by lesbians, has extremely hot lesbian tryst; gothy butchy girl is slutty—and the sex scenes seem a little mechanical, but hey, that was a winning formula for Sex and the City. Jennifer Beals et. al. are going to have to get a lot better, fast, but for now, The L Word is at least novel. The token straight guy neighbor (beau of the book girl) mentioned the U of C last week (“When I was swimming for the U of Chicago”) which was, no joke, the highlight of the show. Well, that and the threesome.

Showtime, 9 P.M.

*Monday*

My Big Fat Obnoxious Fiancé can’t fail. Period. This show is a goldmine. Randi, a first-grade teacher, has to convince her family that she’s in love with and will marry Steve, the titular schlub. What Randi doesn’t know is that Steve is an actor hired by Fox to be as obnoxious and disgusting as possible. And boy oh boy, he’s worth every penny. Steve is gross. He’s hairy. He’s obese. He breaks vases. You want to feel bad for Randi, but she signed up for a show in which she has to trick her whole family, so she’s a liar and we, the viewing public, feel no pity for liars. Mom? Poppy? I promise I’ll never sign up for a reality show where I have to trick you into thinking I’m going to marry someone really foul and offensive in order to win a million bucks. Fear not, Lyons family—I’ll do that for free.

Fox, 9 P.M.

*Tuesday*

This 14th cast of The Real World is as predictable as reality TV gets—black guy, Asian girl, stripper tits, Southern belle, lip ring, big wang, and artsy-type shack up in San Francisco. Wild hilarity, nudity, hook-ups, and racial tension ensue. And one girl is super afraid of big boats. I mean, seriously? Big boats? Get with the program, Frankie, and chill out with the clothes from Hot Topic. This season, the seven strangers have to work on a fancypants sailboat, but everyone knows that the “jobs” on TRW are total bullshit, so really, they just have get drunk and grope each other all the time. Done and done. These people drink more 40s than anyone I’ve ever seen.

MTV, 9 P.M.

*Wednesday*

You shouldn’t have any trouble finding something to watch Wednesday nights: West Wing, America’s Next Top Model (rerun from last night), The O.C. (rerun, but still), The Apprentice, Law & Order, The Bachelorette. Wednesday is the new Thursday for TV awesomeness. Start your day off right, then, with a classic and fabulous episode of 90210. Brenda and Kelly get all bitchy and jealous when they try out for Cat on a Hot Tin Roof, but it’s Lauren—the psycho who accused Steve of raping her—whose audition wows the crowd. Clare tricks Brandon into going to her senior prom, and Andrea is pregnant or something. No one cares about poor old Andrea. As much as I love The O.C.—and really, it’s a lot—90210 is still the gold standard for trashy drama. Oh how I love you, Brandon Walsh.

FX, 8 a.m.

*Thursday*

Before it broke new ground in Broadway ticket scalping, The Producers kicked 1968 in the pants. If you don’t think Mel Brooks is funny, you will definitely hate this movie. Puritan. The Producers was Brooks’s first feature film, and he won an Oscar for best original screenplay. High five. The movie chronicles the harebrained scheme to create the worst Broadway show in history, Springtime for Hitler. Zero Mostel (big props for Fiddler on the Roof) and Gene Wilder (big props for Willy Wonka & the Chocolate Factory) blazed the trail for Nathan Lane and Matthew Broderick (big props for Stuart Little and Inspector Gadget, respectively). If you can’t afford the $480 VIP tickets, you should at least catch the movie. If you can afford the $480 VIP tickets, I’m single. Gimme a call sometime.

Bravo, 4 P.M.