SG Guide: Moose Party

By Michael Lipkin

Student Government’s perennial underdog slate, the Moose Party, is trying its luck for the 14th consecutive year, running on its longstanding campaign promise of free beer.

The slate, composed of members of the Delta Upsilon (DU) fraternity, is just as committed as ever to creating a stark contrast between themselves and their peers.

“This school is just aching for change, and there are all these candidates pushing the status quo, saying all the same stuff for the past 82 years,” said third-year Andrew Gallucci, the Moose Party’s presidential nominee.

In an effort to bring about that change, the Moose Party plans on damning up Lake Michigan, replacing its water with Moosehead brand lager, and creating an aqueduct to funnel the hops to the Regenstein, where it will be available to all students free of charge.

Vice president for Student Affairs candidate and first-year Joel McMurray defended his party’s stance on the issues.

“You can’t really consider filling Lake Michigan with beer over the top. It’s smaller than many other bodies of beer. The Atlantic Ocean of beer? That thing’s enormous,” he said, while drinking a bottle of his party’s namesake beer.

The slate is also jumping on the bandwagon of environmental sustainability.

“Our environment is in trouble. We’re tired of all this ‘Ozone layer this’ and ‘Ozone layer that.’ What we need is to replace the ozone with a beer zone,” Gallucci said, adding that beer has been scientifically proven to protect against UV rays. Another of their proposals would convert Shoreland Hall into a “multi-functional brothel, casino and environmentally-friendly wind farm,” according to their campaign materials.

The party also has some new ideas for retooling the Core curriculum. If elected, they promise to replace all Humanities Core readings with a VHS copy of Independence Day, and create a Kevin Costner Experience Civilizations sequence, focusing on The Postman, Waterworld, and Tin Cup.

“We’re disappointed with the white male, dead guy approach,” McMurray said. “Just think about Waterworld. Augustine was never on a boat. Look at all we’re missing.”

The reason the Moose Party keeps coming back year after year, the nominees said, was to bring to light the “frivolity” of the election system.

“We brought a TV screen into the Reynolds Club? What good has that done? We would fully carry out each and every one of our policies,” Gallucci said.

Second-year Timothy Leahy, the Moose Party’s VP for Administration candidate reiterated his slate’s commitment to win.

“Connect Four may be playing games, but we’re serious,” he said.