Foodents: Concerning chubs

An exploration of Calumet Fisheries’ finest

By Evan Weiss

Chubs. Chubs chubs. Chub, chub—chub? Chub. Chubbly, chubbing, chubly, chub Chub Chub. Chubberd. Chub Club. Chub’s for Chubs. Chubtocracy. Chubalicious. Chubtacular. Chubbology, Chubbaholic, Chubbers, Chubsley, Chubbsingly, Bechubbed, a Chubbling, Chubdies and Gentlechubs, stop in the name of Chub. You can find me in the Chub, bottle full of Chub. I’m into having sex, I ain’t into making Chub. So come give me a chub, come—give me a chub…I’ve been shot nine times, so I walk with a chub…

There are many good things about Chubs, including the sound of their name. Use your mouth to form the words above, and make sure to put extra emphasis on the “ch” sound— as in “Charlize.” Now, see that image floating around in your mind? That there’s a Chub.

So chubs. What do we know about chubs? Lots of chubs. Well, you’ve got your Bigeye Chub, and your Creek Chub, and then there’s your European Chub, and your Flame Chub, and your Flathead Chub. And you can’t forget that you’ve got your Hornyhead Chub, and your Lake Chub, and your Least Chub, and your Leatherside Chub, and your Oregon Chub. But then you’ve also got your Ponto-Caspian Chub, and your Slender Chub, and let’s not forget your Western Chub. Can’t forget that Western Chub. Yessir, that’s a chub for every day of the week!

But we digress. Let’s get back to the central issue—Chubs. A Chub, if you haven’t guessed by now, is a small fish. People have been eating chubs for centuries, despite their scaly exxards and bony innards. The flesh is quite smooth, like white fish, and has an enjoyable fishy flavor. The skin of the Chub is shiny and appealing, like a wonderful chub “silk” tapestry with a picture of a Chub on it. Truly, a chub is alone in its chubbiness (Pun!).

But we don’t live in chub country. We live in Chicago. “Why all this talk about chubs in a city?”, you ask. Well, we say, there is a place in Chicago that is Chub Country.

Chub Country, or Calumet Fisheries, is found in the South Chicago neighborhood of South Chicago. It’s near a bridge and near a port. It’s also in a little white shack. The shack is chubblike in its size, and it is full of chubs. This little white shack sells an awful lot of interesting things, so we’ve decided to pick one thing to focus on. The thing we picked is chubs. And you can just extrapolate the awesomeness of Chub Country from there.

The chub is clearly a special fish. It’s rare around here, and it has the sort of perfect flavor to fish ratio that’s hard to find outside of the movies. It’s important to say that the chub is smoked. This is key for chub preparation, at least in this context (of course, the Slender Chub is best eaten braised, but that’s neither here nor there.)

So. We implore you. Go to this shack. Taste their chubs.

Perhaps this column conveys nothing. No, it conveys a lot. But perhaps to the un-chubbed, this column may seem a rather innocuous and nebulous little piece. I assure you, after dining on the chub, you will understand. And we must say that there is nary a food as transformative as the chub. We mean this genuinely and with great respect for you. Go and try a chub, be chubbed, and grasp it—grasp it! And hey, maybe you’ll catch your loyal Foodents, back for another famous chub, because really, they are that good.

I’ll see you in the chub, reader.

Farechub, stay chub, and eat chub.

PS-This review contains 88 instances of the word “chub.”