October 18, 2002

Giving the U of C some advice

According to The New York Times, sex columns are big (no pun intended) on American college campuses. The U of C, as of the last time I read one of its papers, does not have such a column. If this school did have one, it could be uncommon, like its application, and offer uncommon advice. A sample of what you might see:

Q. I study all the time. Alllllll the time. My favorite place to study is under the desk in my single room. How can I…?

A. Sorry, I don't answer questions like that.

Q. Where can I meet boys?

A. Your College advisor can steer you towards male-dominated concen-trations.

Q. Where can I meet men?

A. Your College advisor can steer your towards large classes with TAs.

Q. At what date should I bring up the fact that I find my relationship with my girlfriend to be profoundly Freudian, in a creepy way? I have a subconscious sense that she knows, but I'm not sure. What should I do?

A. The Biopsychological Sciences building is across from BSLC.

Q. At what number date should I bring up my standardized test scores, GPA, and similar, highly relevant information?

A. Don't show them yours until they show you theirs.

Q. How can I use up alllll those meal points?

A. Go to the dining hall more often.

Q. Am I hot?

A. Being is existence.

Q. Sometimes, when I eat at Bartlett, I notice that some of the fruit is curvy, and some is more long and elongated. Sometimes, it's a bit of both. You know?

A. Fair enough.

Q. What base is it when you both still have on all your winter clothes?

A. I refer you or anyone else with "base"-related questions to any eighth grader, local or otherwise.

Q. They say that the squirrels here are cuter than the girls and more aggressive than the guys. Does it matter if the squirrel in question is male or female?

A. Follow the spirit of the law, not the letter of the law.

Q. I am underage. Vastly underage. In fact, I am a child prodigy of eleven years. Should I date local sixth graders, who are my chronological age, or fellow graduate students, who are of equal intellectual caliber?

A. Study, don't date. That way, you'll be so intelligent that by the time you are of age that you'll be able to date Nobel Prize winners exclusively.

Q. How can you tell if someone in a coffee shop on campus is cruising or actually doing homework?

A. This is a difficult question. Someone may at the same time be cruising and accomplish copious amounts of studying. This dualism is so profound that I could not possibly shed any light on the matter.

Q. Sometimes I get headaches from caffeine, but I get headaches if I don't have enough caffeine, and I have way too much homework, but this school is too easy, and there's no social life here, but it's so annoying how everyone is always out partying when they should be doing work, and, and, like, everyone here is so hip and with it, but still so dorky that they just suck, and generally things here are pretty bad, but I make the best of it, despite so, so many hardships, like having to do laundry AND homework AND make it to the dining hall, which can be really awfully difficult when your neighbors play music and you want to SLEEP and your neighbors sleep when YOU want to eat, and geez, things can get pretty out of hand here, and, um, I was wondering why I can't seem to get a date?

A. See above.