By now, everyones heard about the historic personal letter recently sent from Irans President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad to President Bush. Well, we here at the Factor have the next big development in this story: Just yesterday, one of our correspondents intercepted another letter sent from the Iranian head of state, and in a worldwide exclusive, we present it here translated and uncut…
To His Most Esteemed Excellency, George Dubya:
You dont mind if I call you that, do you? I got the Most Esteemed Excellency bit from Fox News, so I assume thats OK. Howve you been, my regime-toppling friend? I know, you probably rolled your eyes as soon as you saw a return address in Tehran for the second time in a week. But frankly, Im a little distressed that you still havent replied to my first letter. If were serious about doing this pen pal thing, I cant be the one doing all the work. So I was sitting around playing with one of these neat new enrichment centrifuges (hahakidding! Im just using it as an office desk toy) and thought Id send along another note, just to let you know whats new back here in (my incredibly oil-rich country whose government Im sure youd like to shake up more than the CIA) Iran, maybe call you out on a few more double-standard policies, remind you again that democracy has failed to solve the worlds problems, etc.
Actually, Im not sure how much I feel like releasing another salvo of anti-American rhetoric just now; with that last letter and all these provocative announcements I have to keep making about our…err…really cool science experiment (I think were going to name it The Tehran Project! Isnt that a nifty title?) Im starting to get a little sick of my own voice. Were probably all tired of hearing how sure I am that your governments fueling anti-American hatred across the globe, that Iraqs a bit of a mess even if Im glad that old batshit Saddams out of town, and that maybe I made some vague comments about Israel not having the right to exist. Really, its your turn; all you did after my last letter was trot out that Condoleezza Rice woman and have her mutter a dismissal. You didnt address anything I said! Didnt you get even a little riled up? Didnt you reflect for a moment on my point that all the money youre spending going to war with the world and pissing everyone off could be better spent combating poverty and disease? Not that Im a bleeding-heart liberal or anything like that (far from it; you know me!). But come on! I was hoping youd conjure your most squinty-eyed, smarmy-grinned presidential face and at least issue a rebuttal on TV! Im assuming youre replying late because youre putting some real quality time into writing a full response that will keep me occupied between secret underground tests of…
Oops! Almost let the heavily irradiated cat out of the bag there! Where was I? Oh yes…I cant blame you for taking time to get back to me; it does sound like youve been under a bit of heat. What did I read just the other day? Only 31 percent of your people think youre handling your job as president well? Only 29 percent approve of your policy in Iraq, and only 27 percent like your foreign policy in general (read: Dont bomb me!)? Dont get me wrong, Im hardly one to criticize. Im sure my public approval ratings havent been great…though of course Id never know since all our polls are rigged anyway! Seriously though Mr. Decider, just shrug it off. Whatever your American Idoladdled public may think, and despite what may have come across as a biting critique in my last letter, I personally think youre doing OK. I really dug your style with the illegal wire-tapping (though I cant help saying youre way behind the curve on that one; its the only way we do things over here) and Im glad to see you agree with my statement that a religious basis for government is the only basis for government. I like what youre doing in making over that Supreme Court of yours, for example, and Im sure if you keep at it you can get intelligent design recognized in the rule books eventually.
Still, I have to admit all this rhetoric about the U.S. coming after our quiet little Republic has me a bit nervous. I mean, dont just decide to bomb us on a political whim, to try and rally public support and consolidate your grip on power like you did last time, yeah? I think its pretty clear youve got enough problems at home. What about that funny man, that Colbert character? Why not send some special forces after him for all those jibes at your fancy dinner? I tell you, if anyone at one of my fancy dinners got up and started talking like that, hed have a hard time flapping his tongue after the kind of rusty blade justice Id dish out. Haha, just kidding!…sort of.
But seriously…promise me you wont bomb us, all right? It wouldnt be good for either of us. Didnt your Mr. Rumsfeld just say something about how the wrong intelligence used to justify going to war with Iraq should make you more prudent in the future? You wont get away with the same trick twice, believe me; intelligence doesnt become wrong by falsifying and doctoring itself indefinitely, does it?
Oh! Got to go! Looks like some yellow cake urani…I mean, yellow velvet cake just arrived! Mmm…tell you what: Promise not to bomb us and Ill send you a slice!