Unbeknownst to me, apparently every graduating senior is required to give an exit interview before grabbing their shiny new diploma and departing for that mythical land beyond the quads where people dont try to beat their own Rubiks cube record and stare at their feet while talking to you. Imagine my surprise when I showed up for my scheduled appointment to discover that my interviewer was none other than Shrill OReally, one of Americas top-rated cable news talk show hosts. I have to admit I was a bit hesitant at first; as regular readers will recall, my last interview with Mr. OReally earlier this year didnt go so well. Im not sure our second chat went much better than the first, but Ill let you peruse the interview transcript and come to your own conclusions
OReally: Well, finally made it to the end, did you? What are you now, a sixth year? Looks like you finally finished your B.S. in environmental studies any regrets about pursuing a degree in pinecones?
Pat: Who told you that I
OReally: Shut up! Im the one asking the questions here! Plus I just like saying shut up. But you watch it; this is your exit interview, and Ive already spotted a pretty tempting-looking exit through that window over there. Kidding, kidding! (as taser-armed U of C police officers step into the room) Almost forgot your little ivory tower has one of the largest private armies in the country; looks like therell be no physical assault and battery today! Anyway, how do you feel knowing that in just one week, youll be banished from this mollycoddled existence, that youll have to start fending for yourself?
Pat: A bit nervous, but not too scared or anything. I feel that the U of C has done a fairly good job preparing me for life beyond the quads, that Ive gained enough from my education here to survive on the outside.
OReally: Hmm yes, education. What do you really thinks behind this education business, anyway? Dont you feel that its actually just another insidious tactic of the vast liberal conspiracy agenda? Isnt it obvious that educating people is really just a sinister brainwashing scheme perpetrated by the liberal intelligentsia? Isnt being educated just a synonym for elitism? Dont you think that? Shut Up!
Pat: What?! I didnt even say anything!
OReally (looking bewildered): Err sorry I guess I must have told myself to shut up, sort of a conditioned response to keep me from getting too worked up. Part of a lawsuit settlement Anyway, moving on what are you doing next year?
Pat: Im going to be teaching in
OReally (trademark head vein beginning to bulge): Ha! Doesnt that just confirm what I was saying? So youre actually going to be joining the intelligentsia conversion mission yourself then?
Pat: I dont really think educations part of any sinister agenda; I mean, I think its really more about expanding opportunities and
OReally: Dont give me that crap. The only thing education expands is the size of our government bureaucracy and resident population of liberal baby-eaters! Why cant you just stay barricaded up on your pretty little campus without spreading your wicked educational gospel? Which brings me to the next question on the list: what are you going to miss most about the U of C?
Pat: Well, this campus has a really remarkably diverse student population, and I suppose
OReally: Hold on! Are you telling me youre going to miss the freakish menagerie that passes for a student body on this grim little plot of earth?
Pat: I think freakish menagerie is going a bit far
OReally: The hell it is! Shut up, no I will not! Come on, are you telling me that youre honestly going to miss the hordes of That Kid roaming around on these quads of yours? Kids who cant even look at a horse drawn carriage without babbling about the tripartite soul in Platos Phaedrus! I saw one of your peers out on the quads performing a one act play about Heisenbergs Uncertainty Principle! Students dressing as zombies and pouncing on people in the library! Youre going to miss that?!
Pat: Like I said, its a totally unique blend of people; theres nothing like it anywhere else.
OReally: And thank God for that! Can you even imagine a world in which Chicago students have taken over? Eye contact would be a thing of the past, and wed probably have to start referring to the President as the Philosopher King. Whatever happened to the good ol American style of education you know, where we had all we ever needed and that keg in the closet?
(awkward pause) Pat: Did did you just quote a Kenny Chesney song?
OReally (head vein writhing like an earthworm at a disco): So what if I did? I mean, Im sorry that not all of us go around spitting out quips from Nietzsche in the original German! And how would you know about Kenny Chesney anyway? I thought you U of C-ers only listened to recordings of Sir Ian McKellen reading the Great Books in Latin. Lets face it: most kids on your campus stumble through their rare social interactions like bats with busted radars. In fact, youre all so weird, you probably make the same sort of high-pitched chirpy noises too. Its probably some sort of Chicago student code language. Or you can talk to bats! The liberal intelligentsias in league with the bat people! (OReally lunges hysterically out of his seat, is quickly tasered back into submission by a guard still lingering in the corner).
OReally (panting, head vein twitching): Shit forgot about those guys. Any parting comments?
Pat: Well, I suppose that Ill always be grateful for
OReally (rolling his eyes): Didnt I tell you last time that gratitude is a pathetic sign of weakness, and indeed smacks of being part of the vast liberal agenda conspiracy? Dont waste your time being grateful; in fact, Id better not ever catch you making any alumni contributions