Put convocation on Cruise control this year

By Christopher Lacey

Mayor Michael Bloomberg? Really? Now, I know that Richard M. Daley might not be the right guy for the job, given that his father never took it, but do we really need a politician, or even some dude from New York?

Given the rigor of four years at the prestigious institution that is the University of Chicago, we as students deserve a commencement speaker who is qualified. This is not to say that Bloomberg isn’t qualified. He is the mayor of New York City. I mean, wow! New York City, how cool. I have never been myself, but from what people on campus have said, it sounds like a fun place. Streets filled with homeless people, drunken teenagers, acid-trippers freaking out, tons of coffee shops, and, oh, I mustn’t forget, bands brandishing dildos on stage. Any person who can provide a place for these hip things is good in my book. But Bloomberg doesn’t have that special something. I think it might be called name recognition, but I prefer to call it pizzazz.

Rather than just criticize (something at that three years here has also made me quite adept at doing), I have taken it upon myself to recommend some extremely qualified speakers so that next year the committee can give us what we deserve.

#1 — Alan Keyes

This one came from the nature of the committee’s selection. If they think that we want a politician, we should get one who will be able to lend us their unique wisdom. He preaches things that we need to know for our post-graduation years. The downfalls of contraception. Yeah! I hate condoms. Thus far, by the luck of God, I am perfectly healthy, and I have yet to be informed that I have children. Anyway, when I want kids, I can just adopt (but I will make sure to adopt only children of the same sex to avoid incest). This man takes a position that, as a 22-year-old, I can relate to.

#2 — Xzibit

This man has pimped enough rides to be able to pimp our graduation. Plus, Xzibit will be able to provide such moments of clarity as those that we all had at Summer Breeze this year. If I can’t smoke with my Convocation Speaker (and Bloomberg just seems too uptight to do anything) or grind up into his backup dancer’s thang, then what is the point of the ceremony?

#3 — Tom Cruise

Even if we need a shorter podium for this superstar, he will still be completely worth the 25 million to have him come speak. The timing of his appearance will work with the scheduled releases of his summer blockbusters. Cruise would also be able to offer the most theoretical speech of any candidate. Thetan souls, the evil darklord Xenu, hydrogen nuclear bombs, and giant volcanos…it sounds like Sosc all over again. I’m overjoyed at even the thought of where he could go with his speech. He could tackle the theological, sociological, literary, medicinal—the possibilities are endless.

Even if we have to sit through Bloomberg’s long and pointless speech this year, at least we still have the chance at a decent Convocation next year. So, members of the committee, please, next year think about some speakers that would be fo’ real.