Some horoscopes for horofolks

By Tim Miller

Welcome, disciples of the dreadful and masters of the metaphysical to Master Tim’s Psychic House o’ Fun, where our motto is “just because we ‘underperformed’ during midterms doesn’t mean you shouldn’t trust our advice.” Speaking of which, many students here have just completed or are in the process of completing their midterms, which will of course determine their entire academic futures. Now, armed with their various academic records, many third- and some very procrastinatorial fourth-years are beginning to decide what they’re going to with their lives (hint: no matter what, they will be guilted into giving large portions of their income to the U of C). With that in mind, I’ve prepared horoscopes for those people who will be actively seeking gainful employment within the next eighteen months.

Aquarius (January 20 – February 18) Your extreme revolutionary communist philosophy will be given quite a test when you realize that while marching for the subjugated working class does give you that warm feeling inside, it doesn’t do much towards paying off your student loans. Therefore, in an endeavor to make the principles of class struggle work for you, you will form a revolutionary cabal to overthrow the Student Loan Administration. The stars see 10 to 20 in your future after your attempt to storm the bookstore building is thwarted by enraged Starbucks customers throwing their coffee in your face.

Pisces (February 19 – March 20) Despite your degree in Medieval Byzantine Studies, you will be able to find very high-paying employment. You’ll be called in to advise the upper echelons of the United States government on important policy decisions. The president himself will read your reports on important matters. That’s right, George W. Bush will hear that the Byzantine Empire was located in the Middle East and immediately call you in to fill the new consular post that he wants to create there.

Aries (March 21 – April 19) The stars suggest that you will be offered work as a Web administrator. Now you know very well that is a high-paying, important job in the technological sector, and so you will rush to take it immediately. Unfortunately, you will not notice that the corporation offering the job is in fact in the business of importing poisonous spiders for zoos. Your duties will therefore include cleaning spider webs out of the cages. Have fun!

Taurus (April 20 – May 20) My star charts show that Mars is in your celestial house. This could indicate a career with the military in your future. It also might mean that whoever hires you will find you so damn annoying that they will send you to open the Martian division of the company.

Gemini (May 21 – June 21) Seeing as you have no practical skills whatsoever and failed to get into graduate school, you will find the search for a job difficult. Fortunately, though, after the initial difficulty, you’ll be given a great job on a tropical island surrounded by gorgeous people to wait on your every need. Yes, vodka and hallucinogens are wonderful things.

Cancer (June 22 – July 22) You will go to work for a high tech firm out in Silicon Valley. Unfortunately, with your degree in computer science you didn’t really expect to spend your days dusting off the servers so they look nice for visitors. Hey, the job market is bad on everyone.

Leo (July 23 – August 22) The stars predict that you will volunteer to go overseas to find a job in the communications sector. You will unfortunately discover, however, that where you’re going, that involves making sure that the goats used to deliver the mail have their stables cleaned.

Virgo (August 23 – September 22) You will be recruited by the C.I.A. to go on a secret mission to discover whether there is a secret, sinister plot within the baked-goods industry aimed at overthrowing the American government and replacing it with a shadowy figure known only as the “Lord Cinnamon Roll.” Unfortunately, you will fail when you are unable to sufficiently torture the Pillsbury doughboy to make him crack.

Libra (September 23 – October 23) Unable to find work, you will answer a classified ad in the paper seeking people to become involved in a volunteer sexual attraction study. You will be shocked and horrified to discover that the conductor of the experiment is the AARP and the test subjects are all members of that organization.

Scorpio (Oct. 24 – Nov. 21) Your sign is the scorpion, and that suggests that you have a fiery, loud, and poisonous disposition. This is not an advantage, however, when applying for a job as a elementary school library assistant.

Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21) You will find profitable work as an account sales manager with a major downtown corporation. The pay is good, you get lots of vacation time, and you get to work with a fun, diverse, and creative group of people. The only thing that I have yet to determine is who your 2.01 GPA-producing self had to bribe to get that position.

Capricorn (December 22 – January 19) The stars show that your workplace will have a view of beautiful sand beaches and breathtaking mountain vistas. Unfortunately, after three months of working in the travel agency you will become so jealous of the people who can actually visit the places shown in the promotional posters that you will just start cussing out anyone who walks in. After awhile, this will lead to your disgraceful departure.

(Disclaimer: This horoscope is intended for entertainment use only. Any other use may only befit a major Hollywood celebrity.)