The real war is the War on Christmas

By Patrick Hogan

Despite the peaceful spirit of love and joy allegedly pervading the holiday season, the final weeks of 2005 shall be forever marked in the history books by the scourge of war, a period of celebration punctuated by chaos and anguish. As anyone skimming the cable news channels or the pages of the odd newspaper must inevitably have detected, this was by all accounts the most violent Christmas season on record. Never has the month of December seen such turmoil.

According to some radical lefty-loosey media outlets, something was apparently still going on in Iraq as well, but let’s be serious: Whatever’s going down in the Middle East is mere child’s play compared to the storm assailing us here in the good ol’ USA. Sure, the war on terror is important. But the stage with the real drama this past month was centered right here in North America, and the story was the War on Christmas.

Many of you understandably question the wisdom of going to war with Christmas, especially when our country is already beset on so many other fronts by a host of shadowy and pernicious enemies intent on destroying the homeland. I’m here to tell you I understand that war is hard work. Killing things ain’t easy. But I’m also here to tell you that this war with Christmas is a war vital to national security. I realize the pain caused by watching your favorite season become mired in strife and warfare. Yet these difficult times require national sacrifice. We must stay the course in the War on Christmas if we are ever to achieve global stability and peace.

Quite simply, the time for an assault on Christmas—and a subsequent move toward establishing democracy in this holiday too long held in the cold grip of a vicious commie tyrant—is now. Christmas shelters the most freedom-stifling elements of communist totalitarian dictatorship and promotes undemocratic values. Therefore, in the interest of security here at home, Christmas regime change is absolutely essential. What could be more contrary to the spirit of American democracy than a holiday during which a fat man stuffs himself into a red suit, arbitrarily decides who’s “naughty” or “nice,” then distributes rewards and favors according to his own tyrannical whims? What, indeed, does “naughtiness” or “niceness” entail? It is for the people, not some overfed despot who probably dyes his clothes with baby polar bear blood, to determine what criteria comprise such abstract ideas, and it is for the people to exercise their natural right to free speech and to construct, from a plurality of voices, a legitimate meaning for these terms. Christmas needs a new, democratically derived constitution of naughty-niceness approved by and serving the people. The War on Christmas offers a rare and powerful opportunity for America to spread the light of freedom to yet another corner of the globe and usher in a new democratic era. Yet this can only occur if we are willing to assume the hard work of regime change and stay the course.

I know many have suffered, and yes, many young Americans have paid dearly in this noble struggle. Even now thousands of our troops remain stationed in the inhospitable Arctic Circle, suffering guerilla elf attacks, suicide sleighers, and one of the harshest environments on the globe in the effort to democratize Christmas. The fight has even been taken all the way to the heart of Christmas, the North Pole—or as I prefer to call it, the Axis of Global Revolution. The enemy, I am happy to say, has paid dearly thanks to the sacrifice of our troops: the blood of thousands of the Red Giant’s elf zealots now stains the great fields of Arctic ice.

Some vocal critics of the War on Christmas denounce it as a shameless attempt to appropriate the vast wealth of arctic oil sitting beneath Santa’s blubbery backside and thus satiate the greedy appetites of American mega-corporations. I assure you that no such base economic motives exist for our going to war with Christmas. Indeed, the Northern Tyrant’s own close ties to the less savory elements of the fossil fuel industry provide yet another cause for outrage and a global outcry demanding justice. It is well documented that he has long worked alongside the coal giants in meting out his punishments, providing them a steady black market for coal lump fuel. Needless to say, such lumps of coal could, theoretically, be used in the construction of “stocking stuffer” weapons of mass finger-wagging—very dirty bombs indeed.

Even though Christmas comes but once a year, we will continue to wage this war for as long as necessary. To give in now would be to leave the future in despotic darkness. To set a timetable for withdrawal from the Arctic would only allow our enemies the information they need to begin plotting further acts of holiday atrocity. Though the end may be far off, rest assured that we are working tirelessly to support our troops and keep morale high. Last month we distributed, as holiday gifts, packs of specially made playing cards featuring the faces of all eight reindeer generals, allowing troops to relax while memorizing the cruel countenances of Rudolph the Red Nosed, Herr Blitz(krieg)en, and their cohorts.

The path to freedom is long, but we must stay the course. Christmas will be democratized. And the hard work won’t stop there, folks; other holidays threaten liberty even now. Easter, for example: Now there’s a holiday in desperate need of regime change, what with that damn anarchic bunny running around hiding everyone’s eggs.