Recently, I had the honor of appearing on one of America’s top rated cable news talk shows for a head-to-head with the world-famous Shrill O’Really, a man whose bizarre name certainly hasn’t kept him from clawing his way to the top of the entertainment food chain. Although the episode will not actually air until next week—they need a bit more time to edit in some digital devil horns for me and to make Mr. O’Really look about twice as tall as he actually is—I’ve obtained the means to grant an exclusive sneak preview to everyone here at the U of C by smuggling out from the studio transcribed excerpts of the program. Here’s a little taste of my evening with Shrill O’Really.

O’Really: My first guest tonight is a fourth-year student at the prestigious University of Chicago majoring in…Environmental Studies? What the hell is that? I’m assuming that the only degree offered in that field is a B.S. Seriously, who goes to the University of Chicago to major in Environmental Studies instead of World Domination Econ? I tell you, I fear for the future of a country in which the college curriculum options are one step away from offering classes on tree-hugging technique. Anyway, here’s Mr. Patrick Hogan.

(Pat walks out to tepid applause, nervously takes a seat).

Pat: Thanks for having me on the program, Shrill. It’s a real pleasure to be here.

O’Really: Now, it’s interesting that you’d say that.

Pat: Say what? That it’s a pleasure to be here?

O’Really: No…“thanks for having me.” Why would you say that? Don’t you see gratitude as a sad expression of indebtedness, a pathetic sign of weakness, and possibly yet another component of the vast underground liberal agenda conspiracy?

Pat: Well, I

O’Really (pointing viciously): Shut up!

Pat: Maybe I should

O’Really (with a small vein beginning to pulsate on the side of this head): Shut up!…Nah, I’m just kidding around. Though I’m glad you agree with me that thanking people does smack of moral frailty, and thus liberalism. So, where to start? You’re new to the Fracture; let’s get to know you a bit better. What’re you up to these days? (snickering) How’s your B.S. in “Environmental Studies” coming along?

Pat: It’s actually a B.A. I’m currently working on my thesis, or trying to, at least; I’ve been going to a lot of movies.

O’Really: Movies? Good, supporting the economy. I like that. What’ve you seen?

Pat: I went to Brokeback Mountain over the weekend.

O’Really: Brokeback…Brokeback…that’s the liberal propaganda film about the giant gorilla, right? With the whole beauty-and-the-beast, U.S.-and-Iraq metaphor?

Pat: Urr…no. I think you must be talking about King Kong. Brokeback Mountain is the one about the gay cowboys and

O’Really: Oh right, that liberal propaganda film. Didn’t you feel the whole thing was a direct assault on cowboy values in the United States? Wasn’t it clearly pushing a liberal agenda to brainwash all cowboys into thinking they’re homosexual?

Pat: That’s not really the impression I got, no. I mean, it’s sad watching the families in the film collapse, but I thought it was a pretty good movie—

O’Really:—but c’mon. The whole thing was shot in conspirocam, wasn’t it? Cowboy values are one of the cornerstones of our democracy, you know, and I’m not going to let some jumped-up artsy-fartsy Korean director erode our cornerstones.

Pat: Are you talking about Ang Lee? I think he’s from Taiwan.

O’Really (maniacal fire lighting up his eyes as he lunges out of chair): Fine! We’ll boycott Taiwan then. Henceforth, I’m calling for a boycott of Taiwan. Hell, we’ll boycott all of Asia! Until they stop exporting Ang Lees, we’ll drag them all through economic mud! Christ! He also directed The Hulk, didn’t he? You see, America? This Lee fellow even tried to say that it’s not all right to fly into a blinding fury once in a while, that if you get angry you’ll turn into a green beast. Look at me, Pat. I’m a little irate right now; do I look like a green beast to you?

Pat: No…but your forehead’s throbbing like it’s about to erupt

O’Really: That’s because it’s my right to fly into an irrational rage every now and then, whatever the gay cowboys might say about it!…(takes a seat again)…But speaking of green beasts, you’re an Environmental Studies major, right?

Pat: I thought we’d already covered this

O’Really: Shut up! I wasn’t finished. You also occasionally write for the student paper at Chicago. The Maroon, right?

Pat: Yeah, that’s our paper. I’m a humor columnist.

O’Really: Humor? Now I don’t mean to stereotype, but if you ask me, humor is one of the more insidious trademarks of the liberal conspiracy. Isn’t humor a peculiarly liberal trait? Aren’t they just trying to push their humorous agenda on the rest of America, diverting us with laughter? I thought that Chicago was supposed to kill fun, not let it run rampant in the press.

Pat: I’m not sure I understand what you’re talking about. I don’t think having a sense of humor is exclusive to liberals

O’Really: …What did I tell you about shutting up!? Now, this paper of yours, this Chicago Maroon. From what I’ve read, it’s just another bastion for liberal propaganda, a fortress for radical thought. Look at the stuff they print! “Fumes in I-House.” “President Randel Holds Brown Bag Luncheon.” Gah! I hate that word, “luncheon!” If there were any doubt our country is being overrun by a liberal media conspiracy, this shameless agenda-pushing commie-mag offers the final proof. And, as one of the cronies in the “humor” department, you’re a part of this conspiracy, aren’t you?

Pat: I don’t think the Maroon’s got much of an agenda.

O’Really (shrieking, head vein visibly writhing): Like hell it doesn’t! I’ve got the proof right here in your own words. (Tosses a paper on the desk.) You’ve written some radical articles linking Marxist philosophy and distance running. Pushing your little liberal humor agenda is one thing, but when you start undermining the ideological foundations of this nation’s exercise regime…Hell, I used to be a jogger, but I can’t get past a walk now without fearing that I might encounter this so called “species being” monstrosity and join with it to turn on my homeland. What, are you all a bunch of anti-American flag-burning communists on that cross-country team? I hear you even wear red shorts! If that isn’t enough to indict you as a subversive socialist renegade, I don’t know what is.

Pat (trembling): I think running’s good for people…

O’Really (stands, smashes chair against wall before jumping up on desk and stomping wildly): Don’t give me that! You’d better start running right now, because if you’re not gone in five seconds I’m going to beat you out of this building myself! I’m gonna

(Guards rush to restrain O’Really; Pat is rushed off camera.)