A modest proposal on immigration

By Tim Murphy

The Senate recently passed a bill making English the official language of the United States. The wording was changed some in order to ensure its passage, but that was certainly the intent. Some might view this as a shameful act of political posturing, catering to the xenophobic and racist sentiments that seem to permeate throughout the debate on immigration. Not me. I see progress.

Over the past decade, a number of different proposals have been submitted in an effort to curb the seemingly endless wave of immigration. They range from the impractical—a wall on the southern border—to the absurd—using immigrants as mini-power cells to supply energy for our growing army of artificial intelligence—(Did I just make that up?), but at long last our nation has taken a step in the right direction. Forward. The only solution to immigration is through veiled, unenforceable discrimination. Allow me to explain.

For centuries, Americans have been reaping the benefits of the blood, sweat, and tears of hardworking English settlers. When they first arrived here, it wasn’t entirely deserted, of course. As you may remember from Pocahontas, there existed a sizable contingent of vagrant drifters, known to the casual historian as Native Americans. Imagine sailing the ocean blue for two months only to find your would-be land of milk and honey inhabited by bloodless savages. How uncouth.

A couple of conveniently placed diseased blankets and a wealth of broken treaties ceded control of most of the land to the newcomers, however, and it seemed like smooth sailing from that point forward. After taming the wild men, clearing land for their houses, and filling the Great Lakes with water, the English pressed westward, fulfilling what Manny Ramirez would call “manifest destination.” The unquestioned kings of the continent, white men had eradicated the Native Americans, subjugated the blacks, and soundly trounced the Mexicans not once but twice on the field of battle. This land was their land, from sea to shining sea.

And then came the hordes. Arriving from around the globe, immigrants set up shop on our soil and acted like they owned the place. Well, the results speak for themselves. Now we have a sushi bar on every block, people of all ethnicities working and living side by side, and Sacagawea plastered on a dollar coin.


Like most real Americans, I am concerned by this ridiculous progression. It’s time to take action. Establishing a national language even when 300 years of history shows that there is no need to is a good starting point, but unless further action is taken, it will be fruitless. It would be like patenting the wheel and not building a car. Congress must take it upon itself to establish a national race. Isn’t that what this is about, after all? Making people feel unwelcome in their new home? Well, I can think of no better way. Obviously, at this point segregation is out of the question. Liberals wouldn’t stand for it.

My suggested proviso won’t stop anyone from being black, blue, or lavender. The choice is still yours, but it establishes a precedent worth following. Come to this country if you want, but don’t expect to fit in unless you’re just like us. Logistically, there are about as many holes in this plan as there are bodies in the trunk of my car. That is, none. I guess there could be worse things to have than an overflow of tired and weary immigrants worshipping at the altar of everything our nation stands for however. We could be stuck in the most volatile region on earth with no exit strategy. That would be worse.