America’s Next Top Adivsor

By Gabriel Grossman

Over the past few weeks, the Bush Administration has been having a few problems, to say the least. The President’s approval ratings are in the toilet. The situation in Iraq is growing worse with every passing day—the call for 20,000 more troops has divided the Republicans previously notorious for unquestioning loyalty. A resolution (albeit nonbinding) was approved on Wednesday condemning Bush’s plan to send the extra troops to the Persian Gulf. Needless to say, Bush’s reputation in Washington is quickly tanking. Based on the State of the Union address, it has become clear that Bush is ready, or at least wants to appear ready, to consider a new course of action.

In response to the low approval rating, the White House decided to try a different tactic. Revealing the new decision, Press Secretary Tony Sleet (who recently changed his name due to the impending disaster of global warming) said: “We’re doing what everyone else does when they are plagued by low ratings—we’re creating a reality show.”

The breaking news caused quite a stir among the present Washington press corps. Immediately after the new plan was divulged, all hands shot up. The first, most memorable, and arguably toughest question came from the chill-inducing David Gregory. His question, “So, can you tell us whether this will be like a Real World–type reality show or like a Project Runway–type reality show?” was no doubt on the minds of many corps members.

“The show will be based on the popular CW television show America’s Next Top Model. We will begin with all the cabinet members [who will be] asked to perform specific tasks—some menial and some of vital importance to the country. These include anything from how nonchalantly one can oust a CIA operative to how comfortable one is lying in front of a camera. And just like in the popular show, Tyra Banks will host! We’ve even gotten rights to the same title, America’s Next Top Adviser,” Sleet followed up. Upon hearing this last bit of news, the press corps gave Sleet a standing ovation.

“The President is confident that we’ve really hit the nail on the head with this new design. On her hit daytime talk show Tyra, Tyra has been able to conquer self-esteem issues, eating disorders, and the chauvinistic society in which we live. If she can handle all that, the White House should be a piece of cake for her,” Sleet said. “Plus, Ms. Banks could give us some great diet, exercise, and romance tips—something we really need around here. Tyra could really effect some positive change. The Democrats and Republicans will, for the first time in a while, share a common goal, work together, and take advice from someone who really knows what she’s talking about! Think of what we’d get done if that happened! Plus, the President has always admired Tyra Banks for her ability to carry herself so proudly under what must be pounds of makeup and plastic.”

The response from both sides of the aisle has been overwhelmingly positive. Republicans have agreed that in a matter so crucial to national security, it is best to support the President. Democrats, on the other hand, support the idea, but not as confidently.

A Democratic Senator who has asked to remain anonymous stated that “this will be a good chance to see who’s really got the brass tacks to survive in the White House.”

The final word on the subject came from the frighteningly (and admirably) persistent Helen Thomas. Thomas asked for the “President’s justification, if it existed, for such an act.” Sleet’s reaction was surprisingly candid.

“Well, now that the Democrats are in control of Congress, the President wants to begin anew with a clean slate, so to speak. We’re calling it our ‘Tyrajuvenation.’ Many of the previous advisers’ lasting impacts were nothing more than public relations catastrophes. Even Karl, our golden boy, with the subpoena and whatnot,” Sleet remarked, expecting sympathy. “Don’t think we’ve exhausted every other option. There was no other choice.”

As ridiculous or impractical as Tyrajuvenation may seem to be to the idle citizen, Tyrajuvenation is well thought-out—suspenseful, yet efficient. If Tyra’s success and her effect on reality television is any indication, it will no doubt be the best thing President Bush has done for both the White House’s image and efficiency in Congress since he took office six years ago.

Then again, that isn’t saying much.